Restart Day 67... Motive... Clarity... the Verdict... and More...

Ok if you're reading my blog for the first time one paragraph how we got here.  Last year I got healthy.  It was down to meat extremely rarely (like every couple weeks maybe).  Then I thought (think?) that I had problems with gluten.  So what's gluten free besides fruits and veggies, oh meat, dairy, eggs.  All the things that I was generally avoiding in my new healthy persona.  So when I went gluten-free the first thing I started doing was eating more meat.  I was eating a steak one day when I was out of town for work and I stared at the fat thinking, gosh I can't believe this is the "good" option on this diet.  The next weekend I gave up meat.  Just wasn't worth the temptation as the one "safe" food.

A few months later I read the Kind Diet (pretty much the only book I've finished in the last year when not on vacation) and after reading about how much energy goes into raising one cow, and knowing the shortness of both energy and quite frankly food, for ethical reasons I gave up eating animal products.  I've never really been the PETA type to be out campaigning for animal rights or anything, but in the end it really was ethics that made me give up the "everything else".  So now you're caught up.

Yesterday in one of my many (MANY MANY) healthy eating/lifestyle emails I got one with a Helen Keller quote.  "Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much".  Initially of course I just was like yea duh, come up with a support group, everybody knows that.  But this morning that same quote looks totally different.

It's been almost 8 months since I've had meat.  About 5 since I've intentionally had any animal products (egg, dairy, etc.  sometimes I missed them on the label and caught it later etc).  And you know this has been fantastic and obviously I was one less contributor to the problem that I see (excessive consumption of meat, especially in the US).  But in the same time I really wasn't much of a contributor before.  I was eating meat maybe once a week before I gave it up.  So as much as I hate to say it, the net change in the world balance was probably negligible.  Alone I really couldn't do much.

I hoped of course that I'd motivate others.  Seemed like a good idea right?  And maybe I did for a few but in the greater overall when you are so gung-ho you make it seem like you need to be super gung-ho to make a difference.  So why even try right???  WRONG!  So here's my thinking on it.  Me giving up meat/dairy/eggs etc 100% has been great but I think I can still set a good example and eat these things periodically.  And the even more amazing thing is that it makes it so others find it realistic for themselves.  Me giving up my one meal of meat a week is NOTHING compared to if I can get anyone I interact to give up one meal of meat a week to try a new veggie faire.  What if you give up 2?  Or 3?  Think how much we can accomplish.

So that is my new quest.  Instead of trying to convince people that 100% veggie is the way to go, I'm going to try to show people that even cutting out meat a few days a week makes a difference.  Now for all my vegan/veggie friends I don't know if/when I'm actually going to consume said foods.  I was thinking today and realized I don't really have anything coming up that would justify it (I'm not taking it lightly).  Maybe Casimir Pulaski Day, but we shall see.  Point being, I'm not going to go out and buy 5 pounds of hamburger and live on tacos the rest of my life :)  I may never have a "real taco" again.  But if someday I really want one I'm not going to totally destroy myself over it either.

So this last part comes with a little sadness.  Ok a lot of sadness.  I'm cutting back on the blog.  Even just typing that makes me sad.  It's definitely not going to be a daily thing anymore.  Weekly?  Perhaps.  I hate to just up and leave but I really need to take some time "off".  Not that I don't love this, because I do.  All the people I've "met" along the way has been incredible and I hope I can stay in touch but I'm just so overbooked and it's not good for anybody.  Who knows, life is always changing.  Maybe I'll get done at the plant and be like hey I have all this free time now, I should start a blog.  Wait I have one!  Problem solved.  I just don't know right now.

Thank you to all who have supported me, through everything especially the last couple days (I read all your comments/emails).  I hope I can return the favor someday.

<3 Jen

Restart Day 66... Existential Food Crisis...

So I'm sitting here munching on my now standard oversized bowl of sauteed kale and you wanna know what I'm thinking about?  Whether I'll ever eat meat or dairy again.  You're not supposed to say that when you give such things up.  But I'd be lying if I said it hasn't crossed my mind.  Lately more than ever.

So what gives?  Why this sudden pull towards everything that I've quite contently given up for so long?  Is it cravings?  Maybe a smidge but not really.  Now don't get me wrong, I go to the weekly engineers' lunch and watch them eat steak and I get a little jealous.  Once upon a time I used to eat steak too, and loved it.  But no that's not what's got me going out of my mind.

Nope.  SO WHAT WAS IT???  Well I didn't pack the pounds on eating lettuce, I can tell you that much.  I used to love to cook.  I mean really love it.  Like this amazingly tasty alfredo sauce I used to make, and I was the queen of homemade pizza.  But what I really rocked at... Chili.  Case in point.  My friend made my chili recipe this week for a cookoff at her work and she took home 2 of the 3 awards.  I think they were best overall and most creative.  Needless to say that's kind of bittersweet for me.  On one hand I'm like yay go me!  Award winning recipe, woo hoo!  But at the same time it's like God am I seriously never going to get to eat that again?  Like seriously??? EVER?  BUT IT WON AWARDS GD-IT.

So here I sit in an existential food crisis.  Really not sure what to do.  In one respect I've never been healthier and I think most of that has to be attributed to food.  But from a health standpoint does one meal once in a while really make a difference?  Doubtful.  Not like my chips and salsa binges were the banner of good health.    So then the question is, I've never felt better, why risk it?  This is definitely a good point that I really can't argue with either.  Periodically getting ridiculously sick was just miserable, but then again, that could have been a number of things.  A horrible relationship (I'm sure this was part of it), stress, binge eating, you name it.  I can't entirely blame food on this one either.

So here's where my big hang up is... PRINCIPLE... sigh.  In one respect I'm not the save the animals type.  I kind of wish I was, it would definitely make it easier.  Now not to say that I agree with the mega farms and their poor practices because I don't.  But small farms that raise the animals with compassion I'm ok with.  But I finally get hung up on 2 key things.  First off, meat is not sustainable with as many freaking people as we need to feed on this gosh darn planet.  That's the huge thing for me.  Hands down that is my far biggest "hang up" between adding in some of those foods versus not.

The other big hang up?  And this one is kind of petty.  There were so many people that doubted me when I started this whole thing.  In some ways I associate with going back to eating meat and/or animal products with failing.  Proving them right that I couldn't do it.  I just don't know that I can swallow my pride and do that.  It sounds terrible but it's like the ultimate fail in my mind.  But in another way I don't know what's worse, letting "them" win because I give in and eat foods that I gave up?  Or letting "them" win but forcing me to do something out of principle even though I know I'd be happier to once in a while get to have some of these foods.  Basically it's a lose-lose.  Pretty sure that's why they call it an existential crisis.

And to throw another wrench into things, I'm worried that I'll be less of a role model if I start eating meat again.  Sounds silly huh?  Realistically eating meat doesn't change what I've accomplished in the last year plus.  But it feels like such a cop out.  I really have no freaking clue what I'm going to do...  Of course then it's more than just food, how can I ever expect anyone to take me seriously if I just can't pick something and stick to it?  Man it sucks being in my head :)  Be lucky you're not here!  You get a semi-sorted out version of the chaos within.

Anyways, that's my food crisis.  I didn't calorie count today, and I know I ate more than my targets.  I tried to run this morning and it went terrible.  My legs were super fatigued.  I only went about 2.3 miles and that was rough.  I'm eating today and trying to rebuild so I can try to run again tomorrow.  I only have a few weeks until I need to start actually training if I want to run that race.  This morning's run was totally unacceptable.  I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure that I'm going to have to stop floor cardio until after my race.  That makes me so sad but it might be the only option.

So speaking of cardio, I skipped tonight to give my body a fighting chance for the morning.  I'm just too sore. I did my muscular structure like a champ though.  I'm sad day 3 is already over.  It seems like the sequences you love just go by way too fast.  I had such an awesome day at the office today, that helped.  I never realized how important it was to have an awesome cubemate to laugh with (and cry with) and just otherwise get through the day with.  Plus I love the randomness of the office (like randomly playing detective for a new factory that's getting built???).

Anyways, that's neither here nor there.  I need to get my food ready for tomorrow (still vegan gluten free for the time being).  The internal battle continues... stay tuned.

<3 Jen

Restart Days 64-65... Valentine's Day Fail...

So yesterday was just a fail.  I got surprised with Engineers' Lunch (on a Monday, wtf.  Guess the actual employees have meetings Friday, oh well).  I haven't heard about my guest playlist so I had to kind of throw one together on the fly.  I'm a fan but it wasn't the plan.  Oh well.  I'll post it another night.

Days 211-220 are pretty awesome not gonna lie.  But I had the best/worst idea ever for cardio.  What could it be?  Lets try cardio with wrist weights!  Yea that seems like a good plan right?  Well it was/wasn't.  It was definitely more challenging but it slowed me down and as could be expected I was more sore today.

Oh so why didn't I blog last night???  Well I got done with my workout, then decided to put on Breaking Dawn (great movie btw) but then I got all happy/sad/emotional.  THEN I made the mistake of opening Valentine's Day cards from family I haven't really been able to see with the mom-split.  Then couple that with the impending doom of Valentine's Day and all the feelings surrounding that... yea it was just bad.  By the second Valentine's Day card I was just full out bawling in my kitchen.  I'm sure some of that is due to my new "sleep standard" of 5 hours of sleep, courtesy of too much work and not enough Jen... but still.  It was nasty.

I'm having a bit of a hard time right now with the whole divorce thing.  Not that I'm not happy for it, because it was the best thing for both of us, it's the fact that we got married in the first place.  It was just SO stupid!  And unfortunately we had everyone fooled so when split it was like this profound thing.  I just worry now that that black mark will always be on my "record".  Lord knows I didn't suffer enough in my marriage :)  Gotta suffer for leaving too!  Sorry just a little insight into my current frustrations.

So today was good for food.  About 100 calories over my general target of 1350 but not terrible.  I know my body needs to rebuild so I don't feel too terrible about it.  With adding running back into the mix I'm staying a lot sorer longer (which is good but bad).

Day 2 of 211-220 was a little brutal.  Partially because I'm a dumbass (see below) and partially because I think I overworked my arms yesterday so the plank near the end of the legs sequences just destroyed my arms.  So needless to say we won't be using wrist weights for cardio again anytime soon.  Feel free though if you're into self torture...  Oh and I almost forgot, 30 minutes of Dance Cardio 1.2.  I freaking love floor cardio, wish I could do it everyday.  Hopefully someday...

Alright, now what you've been waiting for!  A long series of Valentine's Day FAILs :).  So it's a good thing they hired for that position I've been temporarily filling, because I would seriously accidentally kill myself if I stayed there too long.  I'd give myself a year tops.  1) I'm lucky I did not blow off the roof by walking in front of a vent which was blowing much harder than I expected... 2) I totally had some slippery crap on the bottom of my boots and slipped down a metal staircase at the highest level of the roof.  Awesome right?  Yes it's bruising as we speak and there are lovely black lines on my pants to remember the fall... hope they wash out lol.

Oh and part 2 of Valentine's Day fail 2012... Someone asked me if I had big plans for the night (assuming of course that I had a relationship to celebrate lol.  Me of course, being in a whirlwind of work, did not at all make the connection that today was Valentine's Day when he asked.  So I was just dumbfounded why I'd have big plans on a Tuesday.  Of course a few hours later I made the connection...

So I have way more to talk about but I need to get to bed.  My attempt at extra sleep last night was thwarted by my subconscious deciding to get up at 3:30 - F'ing F'ers.

Happy um?  Tuesday? Is that today? lol

<3 Jen

Restart Day 63... It's now or never...

First food, then my awesome workout.  So I got crap last night for not eating enough :)  As a result I wanted to show you guys what I see in my food tracker (you guys get just the highlights).  I probably won't post it again because it's super cumbersome, but I want people to know I'm being responsible about it (AS SHOULD YOU BE!).  Not saying that everyone needs a sweet table like me, because come on you need to be a serious nerd for something like this, but you should be sure you're eating a good variety of foods to get your vitamins and nutrients.

So here's what you see.  It's the basics, pretty much straight from the back of a standard nutrition label except for Omega 3s and Potassium (sometimes Potassium shows up but usually not).  Nothing too exciting, between 1300 and 1400 calories, little over 50 grams of protein, you get the idea.  Looks like just about every other silly chart that I post.

So now here's what I'm actually looking at.  Big things I watch are my protein breakdowns, and iron and calcium levels.  You'll see both of those are a little low, except for nutrients that's based on recommended daily amounts (RDAs) for a 2,000 calorie diet, so they're probably a smidge high for my more modest 1,300/day diet.  If you can read it (may have to click on it) you'll see that amino acid levels were generally right around where they need to be (I found these values from Table 3 here, great tool!) except lysine was the suxxx!  So I looked up sources of lysine, ah ha!  Turns out that peanuts and chickpeas are both  good sources so most likely I'm making that up in the unaccounted for amino acids in the PB2 and hummus.  Score!  

Now obviously I won't hit all the vitamins (notice the big fat 0% for B12... this is why vegetarians/vegans need a B12 supplement) but I do my best to get what I can from food then I take a crap ton of supplements on the side (that's another blog someday).

So blog title.  I got my freaking ass out of bed at 5:15 AM this morning.  Yes, 5:15 AM, on a Sunday.  It was borderline horrible,  I went to bed at midnight so we're sticking with the god-awful trend of 5 hours of sleep.  Maybe tonight will be more???  But as the blog title says, I knew if I didn't get up and work out first thing in the morning it just wasn't going to happen.  I needed to leave the house by 8:45 so with a shower and breakfast and an extra long weekend workout the only option was the dreaded 5:15 AM alarm.  Moral of the story, if you know you're going to have a crazy busy day [I spent all morning at church then grocery shopped then worked all afternoon... side note can't wait for 1) new member class at church to be done, 2) my "second job" at a manufacturing plant to be done...] you need to use the now or never approach.  Don't think about it, just roll your ass out of bed and get it done.  You'll feel so much better when you do...

So the workout today!  Another 3ish mile run (smidge longer) on the treadmill, then FINISHED days 201-210 and did another 30 minutes on the rebounder.  Yea take that world.  All done by 8 AM and ready for the day.  I definitely am thinking about switching back to morning workouts once operation carbon black is done.  I'm in the habit of getting up now and it would really free up my evenings.  We shall see...

There's nothing happy about tomorrow being Monday, except that it's my second to last Monday at the plant, WOO HOO!

<3 Jen

Restart Day 62... A Failed Quest...

Alright I'm starting with business then I'll explain my blog title (combination of pathetic/amusing).

So I get asked A LOT if I have any tips for people starting Meta or bootcamp (30 day method) and of course the last thing that anyone wants to hear is diet.  Diet gets a bad rap, so I really prefer moderated eating but you get the idea.  For the purposes of this blog we will use "diet" because it's shorter.  You need to restrict your input in addition to increasing your output.  I'm sorry it's just the way it is.  I came up with a little graphic (yes I'm a nerd) to kind of illustrate my point.  Then I'm also going to post some "supporting evidence".

This is from my personal experience so obviously everyone is a little different.  But in general this is how I view the diet/exercise balance.  Obviously we all like to think that with extreme exercise we can eat whatever we want but that is just not the case.  There actually should be another column beyond no diet called "competitive binge eating".  I'm a champ at this column which of course sends me back a few columns to play catch-up.

So find your square (AND BE HONEST) and evaluate if you're in the one you want to be.  If not, time to re-evaluate!  Now here's the harsh reality... the difference in calories for "extreme weightloss" between no exercise and 5x a week... less than 200 calories a day.  That's not even a Larabar.  Chew on that.  Calorie Calculator can be found here.  Sad huh?  But what makes me happy is that almost 2300 calories I can eat when I'm ready to maintain (if I keep up with my workouts).  Beautiful huh?  I agree.

So that being said workout today was awesome.  I got up way too early and ran 3 miles (on the treadmill) 10 minute mile pace.  Then I came home and did day 9 of days 201-210.  Woo almost ready for new material.  I'm better at the fish flop but it's definitely not perfect.  But I noticed my arms are getting way ripped!  I'm a fan.  I wish this sequence was more ab challenging but I think part of that is my form.  I've been concentrating on it and that's helped.  Oh and I also did 30 minutes on the rebounder.  :)  Rock on!

Food on the other hand... well that was not so great.  I went and visited my friend (more on that later) so I ate quite a bit at lunch (super yummy veggie/bean/rice thing but we also split some Brazilian fries, God those are amazing...).  Dinner was terrible.  I waited until late at night so by then I was so hungry that I ate more than I needed.  Tomorrow counting is on!

So the failed quest.  Well those who are friends with me on Facebook know that I am an avid Twilight fan.  Such as exhibit A, picture from the November Twilight Marathon (yes we did indeed get to the theater at 3PM and leave around 3AM... don't hate).

So as you can imagine we both were pretty pumped for the movie to come out last night at Midnight.  Now I'm old so I didn't venture out to get it RIGHT at midnight, but today I started the quest to find the Best Buy Exclusive Steelbook.  We of course made fools of ourselves at Best Buy asking if they had the "extra special special edition" but finally customer service looked it up and they had it at one about half an hour away (on my way home from her place) so I planned to stop on the way back.  Well I got there and they had sold out by then :( so the quest for the special, special edition was a bust.  I am settling for the not so special special edition (which we already watched once... with all the special features).  It's ok to be jealous, we're pretty awesome.

But yay counting starts again tomorrow.  The scale was 133.8 this morning (slight drop from yesterday) so we have a little less than 10 pounds to go to be back at "fighting weight" aka race weight.  Here we go!

Happy Saturday!

<3 Jen

Restart Day 61... What's Wrong with Us...

So I was debating holding this for tomorrow, but it seems so appropriate tonight that I felt I had to do my best to do it justice.  I was having a conversation yesterday with someone and I was whining (me whine? NEVER!  Especially not when I'm hungry!) anyways, once I was done whining he goes well are you used to get everything that you want when you want it?

At first of course I was defensive.  OF COURSE NOT!  That's ridiculous!  You can't get everything you want when you want it.  Then I realized that was exactly what I was doing, black and white.  Either I have everything or I have nothing.  No gray.  No "eventually".  Just I don't have everything I want right now therefore I don't see it happening therefore my life is over... Ok that's a smidge dramatic isn't it?  And I wasn't quite so cliché about it, but seriously!  When did we as a society come to expect everything to happen this instant.

If you think about it that's probably a huge part of our weight problems.  We created all these "convenience" foods to give us that instant gratification.  We used to have convenience foods, they were called apples.  You could eat them with nearly zero preparation (ok you probably want to wash them) and they even kept the doctor away!  Bonus!  I hate needles lol.  But now we're surrounded by fast food chains that boast instant gratification at a "reasonable" cost.

It amuses me that I'm even pondering the words "slow down" but we seriously need to.  Stop and think about what you're doing and accept that not everything happens overnight.  Sometimes we need to just keep the faith (even if it's just faith in YOU and YOUR abilities) and believe that things will work out somehow.  Maybe not how you saw it in the beginning, or how you saw it yesterday, but they will.  I'm talking to you, girl out there who thinks you'll be a size 2 in a week.  It might take a month, it might take a year.  But you can't give up and go back to the way things were.

Finished Day 8 of sequence 201-210.  I still can't do the fish flop one that great :) But the last one doesn't kill me as much anymore.  I also did 30 minutes on the rebounder.  I was planning to go on a run after work but I got stuck staying late so that got shelved for another day.

Food today wasn't the best.  It was mostly the same as normal with a couple revisions.  Lunch was a burrito bowl instead of soup (I have a standing "Engineers' Lunch" on Friday with plant personnel...) and dinner was a larabar and popcorn (wow that's healthy right???).  Dinner is a long story... I got stressed then I didn't want to eat anything, then I just found things to pick at.  Not ideal but you take what you can get...

So there we are guys, Happy Friday!

<3 Jen

Restart Day 60... Time Management Fail...

So I had this awesome blog planned... but it's after 10 and the alarm goes off at 4:45.  Shoot!  So QUICKLY what happened?  I got stuck on someone else's blog which sent me on a quest to research Vitamin K2!  I was reading and reading, then of course I found a supplement on Amazon Subscribe & Save and then of course I started browsing other vitamins and BOOM, 10 PM.  Just like that.

 I was down to 133.2 this morning :) but with a massive headache.  I KNOW better that I need to hydrate I just am a bad at it on plant days.  Hopefully tomorrow is better.  Food wasn't too bad.  There was a rogue banana that knocked me above 1300 but that's ok :) Gotta live a little! LOL.

Finished day 7 of days 201-210 today and also 30 minutes of cardio on the rebounder.  It was tough cuz I got home late but I struggled through it (also why it's so late!).

Anyways I have to go prep some food for tomorrow then pass out.  Good blog planned for the weekend though!

<3 Jen